The Countdown

Okay, this blog post has taken an absurd amount of time for me to write. My brain no longer functions in any sort of way that seems to make sense to other human beings, but the baby gets me. Do you think that’s part of the biological imperative?

Now that we’re far enough along that baby could easily survive outside of the womb, I’ve started to relax a little. Only a little, but it’s something. Parenthood is stressful as fuck. Just keeping another little human alive seems pretty daunting, but I also have to keep her/him healthy, safe, fed, clothed, happy (relatively), and all of that without losing him/her/my mind. Jesus.

I don’t think it helps much that our upstairs neighbor had to have a cesarean 3 weeks ahead of schedule because she’d been losing amniotic fluid for god knows how long and the baby was at risk when they finally realized. Seriously? How many minor tragedies can be avoided in the span of 9 months? Life is a damn miracle.

A couple of months ago I read a ton of shit on pregnancy forums about “nesting”. This is the process that expectant mothers are supposed to go through to prepare their space (read: life) for the new baby. I came across this because a bunch of women with similar due dates (April) were all starting to do it. MONTHS AGO. Am I the only person in this forum who has bought almost nothing, doesn’t have a space cleared out, hasn’t put together contraptions and furniture, or stockpiled diapers?

Now that we’ve had a baby shower and got a bunch of baby swag, I have finally started eyeing a space in the closet that I think I’m gonna clear out. But that’s it. I’m just thinking about it. And what if the baby is born tomorrow? Well, then I think Cris is going to have to come back home at some point to do laundry ‘cause we ain’t even got shit washed yet. And I think I’m okay with that. Because what if I go on leave next month and the baby doesn’t come for another couple of weeks after that? What the holy hell am I going to do with all of that time if everything is done?

The one area of my life that I have been frantically preparing for B-Day is work. I pretty much started the year prepping materials and plans and diagrams in the event that a sub had to step in unexpectedly early. I mostly started early, though, because there is just a fuck ton to do. I would rather leave someone with all the tools they might need to succeed than just let them figure it out on their own, especially if I’m coming back within a few months and would only have to clean up after the experiment. The only problem now is that I still don’t have a sub… for the second time. Twice I’ve had someone accept the job only to later turn it down because they’d found something else. I get it. You get offered a job that doesn’t start for a couple months and something else that starts now comes along, of course you’re gonna take it. But have these tricks not heard of a telephone? Call somebody and let them know if you don’t want the job anymore. Because when you said you would take the job, I stopped looking for someone else!! The last person didn’t let us know that she wasn’t taking the job until the first day she was supposed to show up to train. Come on. I think the solution is to give my classes via skype from my bed. I’m giving jobs away here, but if no one wants them, fine!

Six weeks until baby comes, four until I go on leave. I’m counting the days. Each morning I feel a little heavier, or look a little bigger. I’m not so much “expecting” a baby in the modern sense of the word so much as I’m “esperando,” the equivalent in Spanish. Waiting. Waiting for baby to drop into position. Waiting for a sign. Waiting for this part of the journey to be over and the next to begin.