Tres Metros Sobre Twilight

My husband and I watched Tres Metros Sobre Cielo (Three Steps Above Heaven) over the weekend. After hearing about it from all the teeny boppers, I decided to find out what it was all about. One of my students is doing her compare and contrast essay on this and Twilight, and after seeing it, I feel like the comparison is apt.

It's a Spanish flick about a school girl named Babi (pronounced BAH-bee, María Valverde) who falls for the bad boy, Hugo, or H as he prefers (pronounced AH-chay, Mario Casas). Though we never see H shoot himself up, it is pretty evident to anyone over the age of 15 that he is on roids for, like, the entire movie. He's a complete asshole, but somehow Babi, who at first seems like a sane human being, falls for him. Basically, if you found Twilight unfathomably hilarious, you must see this film.

I'm gonna go ahead and put a huge SPOILER ALERT here. If you want to be surprised by the LOLs, stop reading and go watch a pirated copy of 3MSC, as the kids call it, and come back later. And believe me, as the plot does not follow any logic known to the rational human mind. The only thing predictable about this movie are the eye rolls you will certainly be experiencing.

Okay, so at first you think that H is out of his mind and Babi will see right threw him, but after calling her ugly, crashing a party she's at, throwing her in the pool in a white dress, chasing her through the streets on his motorcycle, beating up her ride and scaring him off so he could give her a ride home, stalking her, breaking into her house, and coercing her to take off her clothes in exchange for a ride home; he finally wins her heart.

From this point, you may think that H is going to mellow out under the calming influence of Babi. You would be wrong. One day, he gets a bug up his butt to go to the beach. He meets her at school in the morning and convinces her to ditch. Hey, at least he didn't kidnap her. Unfortunately, Babi is spotted leaving by a strict teacher and threatened with expulsion the next day. Her rich-as-fuck parents make a generous contribution to the school, though, so it's all good.

H to the rescue. When Babi tells him what happened, he takes it upon himself to play the hero. H and his friend, Pollo (Álvaro Cervantes) kidnap the teacher's dog and threaten her not to give Babi any trouble. H exhibits many of the typical abusive boyfriend signs: Each time he roid rages out, he does something nice for Babi to make it up to her. In one such instance, he freaks out and takes his bike down a winding highway at breakneck speeds with Babi on the back screaming her head off. To make it up to her, he breaks into a house at the beach and the two of them start playing house there.

There are several moments in the film where the viewer may be completely convinced that the plot is about to take a moralistic turn. Is this really an admonishment against destructive relationships? No! No it is not. She forgives him. Every time. When she does finally break it off, it seems almost unrelated to the fact that he's been manipulating and abusing her.

The only moral I could manage to draw out of this story is that if you are a controlling, crazy parent (Babi's mom), your kid might rebel by almost getting herself killed by her psycho boyfriend on a regular basis. Another weird twist of events, though, is when her father goes to tell H that he can't see Babi anymore. H manages to charm the father to the point that I was left wondering whether the father wanted to make out with H.

There are so many more bizarre moments in this movie, that I couldn't even begin to cover them all here, but I've made a little synopsis of the plot in cartoon form with the basics. You have to see it for yourself. You will laugh so hard you may pee yourself. The shit that Babi does in this movie make Bella Swan look like the poster child for healthy life choices. H is Edward without the guilt complex or practiced self-control. In conclusion, fear for our youth.