I had a dream last night. Really, a nightmare. For some reason unknown to my waking self I was in a situation where I had to marry someone not my husband-to-be. I chose a good friend of mine, someone for whom I've felt romantic feelings in the past, though not in a long time, and tried to make the best of it. The dream, in short, was a sequence in which, one by one, all of the things that I have planned and imagined for my future are taken from me while I attempt to remain strong and optimistic, keeping everything from falling apart. The real turning point of the dream happened when my dream spouse cut their lip, and something about their face in that moment brought me back to images of my former life, the life that I should have had. All at once, I was filled completely with a deep, aching desire for that life, and the knowledge that I could never have it made me wish for death. A bit dramatic, I admit, but that's dream logic, and it was the most profoundly upsetting dream I’ve ever had. When I woke up the first thing I did was call my fiancé and cry; I haven’t been able to shake the feeling of it all day.
My fiancé and I have been doing the long distance thing pretty much since the beginning, spending four months apart and one to three months together. It hasn’t been easy, but for the most part we’ve made it work. We’ve found some pretty creative solutions to the problems created by the distance, and at times even used it to our advantage. But we’ve never gone this long without seeing one another in person. Four months, it seems is really our limit and right now we're going on six.
I’ve never been the type to believe in soul mates or fairy tale relationships. I find that type of mentality to be a recipe for disappointment. It’s easy to set unrealistic expectations at the beginning of a relationship, but difficult to live up to them over the long run. Stable, healthy, fulfilling relationships are built on a base of compatibility for sure, but require honest communication and a willingness to love, accept and support one another. The soon-to-be Mr. Naranja and I certainly have all of those ingredients mixed up in our little love stew (otherwise I don’t think either of us would be ready to commit our lives to each other). However, I am willing to admit that I may have underestimated the element of magic in a relationship, because we also have something deeper. Something that doesn’t require any conscious effort or decision.
I’m sure there are those out there who could explain this phenomenon by following the oxytocin and vasopressin through some circuitous tour of my brain, but all I know is that my partner and I understand each other without words. We complement one another in a way that gives meaning to the phrase “too good to be true.” It’s a little creepy and a lot sappy, but I feel like we were made for each other. When I asked him to marry me I never expected that I'd every be any more certain of my decision, and yet, sometimes it feels like every day I wake up exponentially more resolute and assured.
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